Pay attention to those

Every now and then we all experience those moments: you get flooded by a flash of anxiety or nervous energy, you feel a little panicky, even if for just a short while. There’s the option to snap at that point and yell at someone, say something you don’t really mean, or allow your mind to spiral into a pit of insecurity. You try not to, but it takes real effort.

First of all - you’re not alone. It really happens to all of us. Some are just better at dealing with it (or hiding it) than others. In my experience, learning to do better at this juncture starts with awareness (like most things). Then, make it a point to pay attention to the emotional eruption. It might take a few hours or days, but spend the time unpacking why. You’ll know, or at least sort of know. And each time these episodes happen, it’s a puzzle piece that you learn to fit into the exploration, that hopefully eventually leads to progress.

The other option is vulnerability with whoever you’re experiencing the episode with (also, there’s an excellent variation here of vulnerability + self-deprecating humour, if you can manage that), which is a profound way to build bonds and bridges quickly and genuinely. In my experience, this sometimes gets me to the realisations faster. But what do any of us know, really?

Hang out there a bit longer

It may be slightly risky, but if you know a person pretty well, maybe have the conversation in your head for a few minutes first, see where it takes you before you bother the person. Sometimes the answer is already there. And, it should be said that there’s a beauty in knowing a person well enough where you know how she’ll respond to xyz.

Sometimes people are going through enough shit and maybe you can save them some stress, grief or frustration if you think it through first.

Not entirely sure about this one, as it challenges my general principles of ‘just talk about it’ and ‘give people the space to evolve’, but worth exploring. 

It’s sometimes not up to you

If you’ve helped and you’ve tried pretty hard, sometimes it’s okay to just be okay with the fact that it’s not all in your control.

Be cautious of letting this smidge of doubt ferment into negativity. If you consider it closely and find that you really did try, then even though it’s a bit sad, be content enough that in the future she will probably look back and be thankful for your intention and effort.

There’s often a lesson to be learned, but it’s good to acknowledge that you’re probably doing pretty well overall despite the episode.

Our favorite tools

We all find our favorite tools to get through the muddy parts of life. They range from generally positive (supportive, like exercise and community) to potentially negative (destructive, like intoxication or violence).

All of these tools, at any point of that spectrum, can be overdone. Over-exercising can lead to injury, over-relaxing can lead to laziness. And on what we’ve been conditioned to view as the ‘negative side’ - debauchery can be a healthy, helpful reset. Too much can be a way to run from reality, but fun is good for us. A bit of inebriation and ‘fuck it’ can be excellent for perspective.

Anyway, on either side of the spectrum, we tend to overdo our favorites, so it appears to be a good idea to stay open to new tools, as it is very likely you’ll overreach and need to back off for a time.

Context matters

Context always matters.

In stressful times, it is easy to get frustrated at people for getting in your way. But generally, people aren’t trying to make it difficult for you, they just lack context. They don’t see the knock-on effects of their words or actions.

Breathe, centre yourself, and realise it is your responsibility to provide that context. If they don’t have access to the right information, they cannot make the ‘friendly’ decision you want them to make.

Delaying this conversation will only cause annoyance to ferment into negativity and resentment. Leaning in to the resentment will only cause the relationship to decay. Not necessary. Just give context.

If said person is trying to fuck with you, context still matters. It’ll help you see their triggers and figure out their game, which is the intel you need to work around or eliminate the problem.

You’re doing well

The deeper you get into the game, the less likely it is that people will think about checking in on you. After a certain point, people sort of expect you to just have your shit together somehow. This often coincides with when people start leaning on you heavily for support, feedback, opinions, validation, clarity, perspective, etc. It’s nobody’s fault, it sort of makes sense.

First of all, if you’ve generally been trying pretty hard - well done.

Next, acknowledge that it is your responsibility to take care of your emotional needs and overall stability. At any level of adult life. And this often involves seeking feedback, opinions, support, validation, clarity, perspective, etc when you need it, instead of waiting for it to somehow magically appear in front of you.

You’re never going to get too big, too good, too strong or too wise for support, clarity, perspective, feedback, validation, opinions, etc. Ever. So don’t be shy. And don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just ask.

Tame

When the energy is raw and raging, it is your responsibility to manage it.

My advice: once per day, through physical means, allow the chaos to surface in a controlled environment, on your terms. Use the practice to strengthen resolve, to encourage patience and to provide perspective.

Let the demons say their piece, then make peace. Over time, you will learn to work together as one. They are part of you and that should bring no shame… as long as you know how to tame them.

“Civilise the mind, but make savage the body.” - Miyamoto Musashi